he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
