FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Randomize
