Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
