I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
