Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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