I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
