I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
