I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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