There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
