I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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