I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
