this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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