I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
