just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
