My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
