Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
