If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
