Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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