i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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