Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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