I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
