I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
