No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
