She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
