I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
