Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
