I just threw up on my dentist
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
