If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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