The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
