we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
