he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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