we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
