so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
