...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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