She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have already put on my inside pants.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
