The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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