Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
