Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
