How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
