If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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