so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
