Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Barsexuality is the new black.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
