so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
