I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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