Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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