Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
