Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
