Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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