Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
