I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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