If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
